Monday, 2 February 2009

Stupinion - Kllaaargh the Muto

"SHE IS A NORM. ALL NORMS ARE OUR ENEMIES"


"Bah! You've always been sentimental; Buttercup, but your feelings will spell the end of your reign as Supreme Overlord of us Mutos! If this Norm chooses to wander into our domain then she must be foolish indeed, straying so far from the path most of her kind follow! I say we kill her! She is a Norm, all Norms must die! That is the way we have always lived, and if you Buttercup are too weak to carry out our sacred duty then perhaps we should replace you as leader?

We Mutos are shunned by her society, all because of our stunted growth, our hideously twisted faces and blistered skin; and our foul breath, like a rat farting into the mouth of a plague victim. But if you prick us, do we not bleed a strange green substance that has a pH of 12? We long to be like the Norms, but they shun us and beat us with cudgel like devices and shield their children's eyes from us as we scrabble around for food, beg for money, and talk to strangers in the queue at Spar.

And as Mutos, we cannot love! It is not much fun, looking as we are. Just because our genitalia have atrophied to the point of resembling a plastic witch's nose does not mean that we do not have feelings! And yet we are treated as if our offer of guilt free, blindfolded super-fun-time means less to them than their average bowel movement! Is it any wonder we Mutos are often in a foul mood, imagining with seething jealousy the lucky turds that escape from their tender, elegant, normal buttocks? The very thought is making me erect with some kind of wonderful envy.

And if one of their number should stumble into our lair, what should we do but kill it and eat its soul? It is hard for us seeing the Norms, mocking us with their shiny finery, opposable digits and access to boilable noodle products. They swagger around all washed and dainty, living in such raging splendour! We should do now what we always do when one of their ilk wanders aglay into our realm, what is it exactly Buttercup that has brought on this wishy washy 'If we do not eat them they will not fear and judge us' shit?

I see her recoil at my slightest touch, and I laugh and am generally scornful in her immediate direction. Ahahahah! See? Scornful. I ask her name, and she stutters that it is Whoopi. She's an IR student and says that she only came here because her brother said it was cutest accent and nobody here minded if you walked along the streets in groups of eight.

There is a pause. In the light of this new evidence, Buttercup has suddenly changed his mind! Hurrah for Buttercup! All Norms must die!

God, why do they always scream?"

February 2009

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