Friday, 25 June 2010

The Moving Pictures Are Made of Witchcraft

The current batch of televisual advertisements are, as ever, causing despair to ricochet around my headspace. 

People do not like poo. It smells like shite, for starters. So it is not a good thing to include in an advert, even if it is for a product that masks bad smells. People know that the toilet is the place where poo goes. Mentioning the toilet will do. Mention the toilet and we will hide our grins behind our outstretched fingers and whisper ‘Tee hee’ to no-one in particular. Because that’s where poo goes, mainly.

People do not like annoying kids. Annoying kids include those who don’t go along with perfectly reasonable requests, and all other children. The makers of this advert appear to not remember what being a child was like. The Mum should be saying something like: 

‘You want to poo at Paul’s? You know that Paul wants your poo don’t you? And he’s re-routed his piping so he can collect all your poo? Through a little hole in the wall? And he’s building a life size statue out of you. Using your own poo. Now, do you still want to go to Paul’s?’ 

A lady sees a muffin in a shop window, as you do. It is double chocolate chip, and therefore highly desirable. She wishes to eat it. Nom nom nom. But she is concerned. The muffin from Ye Olde Muff Shoppe might be fattening. And make no mistake, this lady is fat. 

She’s a huge, rotund mass. She looks like a hippo that swallowed a bouncy castle. She’s skipped chocolate fingers and moved onto chocolate arms. She. Loves. The. Cake. Eating this muffin, and I do not exaggerate here, would cause her to weigh so much that next year will last 368 days as we drift away from the sun. This muffin would make Edinburgh resemble Siberia. This muffin is the destroyer of all things, the death-bringer, the End of Days. 

Or, on the other hand, maybe the skinny lady should eat the muffin? 

Look at it. It wants to be eaten. It’s sad that you choose the new Special K ‘Mainly Oxygen’ bar instead, and now it’s all alone. And how are you? You’re thin and sexy are you? Well, that’ll be Kellogg's main defence during the ensuing lawsuit when your boyfriend’s penis emerges from your spine because there's nowhere else for it to go.

I have a challenge for you.

Name anyone called Josh who isn’t a complete penis. 

You can’t. There isn’t one. Everyone called Josh is a twunt. It’s a scientific fact. 

He's the biggest cuckhole in this entire ad up against some very stiff competition.

So giving one of them the time to write his Des’ree meets Embrace style monstrosities and then take it across the entire fucking country is not on, T-mobile, not unless you’re leading them into a quarry that has been mined. 

Go England Football Team! Go! Run like the wind! Know that, besides the millions of supporters who eat pies you have the support of people who are good at darts, rowing, rugby, running, sailing, boxing and loads of sports that aren’t football! You know, football. The game England apparently invented and so have a right to be good at. In the same way you invented concentration camps!
Then Jeff Stelling shows up, and does something you really can’t imagine Richard Whitely doing. The twat from Kasabian turns up to shout some bollocks as per usual, and then the ghost of Bobby Moore appears next to a lion. A single lion. This is technically the emblem of Scotland. And the ghost of Bobby Moore is strangely nonchalant about the presence of a lion, in the same way as the England players appear entirely nonchalant about their proximity to total failure. Possibly they would have tried harder if Capello had called up a lion instead of Michael Dawson.
So: Scottish mascot, Italian manager, Danish lager. And they say multiculturalism has failed.

Ah, the comical misunderstandings of these adverts. But wait, they’re actually saying something deeply pertinent about our culture. There are too many of these misunderstandings because there is so much information around that people will instead talk about things that sound-a-bit-like-but-are-not-quite what you said. Happens all the time. 

Except, no, wait. I remember now. People are thick. They don’t know anything. And when you talk to them about something, and they don’t hear you, they pretend to listen and nod while trying to work out what you just said. Or they have no idea what you’re talking about because they, as I said, are thick. And when they change the subject you have no idea what they’re talking about, because you’re thick too. As am I. 
In the past if I didn’t know something I could always “Google” it, but should I? Apparently there is too much information on Google, and we might get confused, and make strange social faux-pas. So instead we should use Microsoft’s  search engine, which only has three pieces of information on it and they’re all wrong. Honestly, when was the last time you met someone who knew too much? 

Microsoft: It’s easier than knowing stuff.

Then there's the advert, which is a potentially useful service that has the misfortune to be advertised as if it is necessary only in times of great idiocy. 

The ad consists of a man, about to do a presentation, who has forgotten his computer. His desktop computer. The only kind of computer in the world. Obviously this is an important presentation, but alas this man has forgotten what appears to be (in whatever strange reality the advert is set in) the key piece of hardware necessary to wow the assembled masses. His desktop computer. The only kind of computer in the world. Also not a portable computer, no. A desktop computer. 

If only some kind of portable computer could be invented, then this man would be able to bring his computer with him without as much hassle. As it is he has to bring his bulky desktop with him to meetings, presumably in his car (which, in Advert world, people will see and immediately ask him 'Is that your car?' as if to say 'But you are a fugly munter, how can you own such a vehicle?'). Surely if one has only one item to bring to a meeting, and it is a large computer comprising several pieces of equipment, it's quite easy to remember? This guy is obviously under a lot of pressure. Someone of that level of idiocy couldn't possibly be in a position of responsibility?

Yes. Yes, they can.

But anyway, this fool has a solution. He will whistle for his intelligent pigeon friends to carry over the computer equipment to the office he is in. Yes. Yes he will. This will work. It's a perfectly normal response to the situation. It's the only response available. 


In this situation, says the ad, you need It's the other alternative. The only other alternative.

So, in an attempt to sell their product, have presented an idiot who has left AN ENTIRE DESKTOP COMPUTER at his office on the day of a big presentation who apparently has never heard of laptops, e-mail, back-up files, USB memory sticks or cards, not-forgetting-the-desktop, writing it down, flip charts, CDs, floppy discs, mobile phones and NOT BEING A TWAT.

June 2010

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